So- I had the sex last weekend... And then I came down with the flu to end all flus! I spent four days in bed watching Big Love reruns. And now, despite all the work I did trying to avoid it, my daughter has caught the bug. And I start thinking- simple flu? Or karmic retribution?
It's amazing how my simple American puritanical guilt can get the best of me at any moment. Obviously I am pretty sure in my college educated, adult, rational brain that no one is smiting me for enjoying sex... But in my fever addled guilty brain It makes a lot of sense.
The flu has played on my guilt - my guilt that my marriage has ended, my guilt that I want to enjoy time without my daughter, my guilt that I want to remind myself of parts of who I was before I was a mom and a wife.

Guilt is a bitch... It's powerful and it can bring up so many horrible thoughts.

I haven't heard back from my date from the other night. And a few other things I had in the works have fizzled-- which adds to my feeling that the plague was ordained...

But then the Z-pack kicks in and reality comes back into play.
I have the flu, and because we share 800 square feet, so does my daughter. It is not a punishment- it is a virus and by its nature indiscriminate.

Here are the truths I know and will hold fast to:
I have every right to enjoy myself, and my life. My marriage failed, and it had nothing to do with me having sex with anyone else - I can do that. They have nothing to do with each other.

If I were still married,I would have nights out with friends- my husband would watch my daughter while I went to the gym,in effect I'd have WAY MORE time off than I do now. I love my daughter even though I like the nights she spends with her dad.

I liked who I was 10 years ago- I'd like to meet that girl and introduce her to the women I have become and see what they have to offer each other.

This dating thing will go forward- with highs and lows, dry spells and strings of sexual fury. And each moment will bring its own lesson- it is my job to examine, learn and try to enjoy the ride.

this is a totally true story.
So, it has been many moons since I've been in the dating world. When I dated my husband I had just gotten a cell phone, there was no such things texting and email was something you did at work. And the interwebs... Well it was a place to find porn and look up shit when you were too lazy to go to a book. Obviously things are different now- I have googled every man I have gone out with- just cause, why not... It's interesting. But the craziest thing happened yesterday.
I started this blog a few weeks ago, posted it yesterday and decided get a twitter account as well, you know- to get an audience (starting an anonymous blog is rough). So I tweeted and then twitter put In the little sidebar a few people I should look into following... And one of them was the GUY I SLEPT WITH THE NIGHT BEFORE!!! I swear this really happened!!!

Twitter knew who I slept with... How did twitter know? I got spooked- I put a lot of detail in there- what if twitter told him to follow me too- he will certainly know exactly who I am.

FUCK YOU TWITTER! How do you know- it's like Big Brother on crack. Especially since I couldn't help but read his twitter feed (I'm not a saint).
I may not have been expecting to get laid Friday night but apparently he was.

So I sat with that for a while. And I went though all the crazy stuff I'm supposed to feel- annoyed, easy, taken...
And then I thought - does it diminish my experience? Does it change the experience I had in any way to know that he was going to try to have sex with me? Nope- just makes me think that my online picture is pretty good.
Dating in this Internet age is tough. There are so many ways you can doubt yourself and have your experiences back stabbed by the demon in your head. So I say fuck you twitter! You may be able to figure out who I slept with - but you can't make me feel bad about it!

And if anyone can tell me how twitter knows this shit- please explain!! Thanks

It's not a legitimate fear- but I think a lot of people have it. I feared I would get divorced and never have sex again. My ex is a lovely guy- and he loved my body- and always made me feel really good about myself.  But after you have kids, and you're still working on the last 10 pounds of baby weight (even though your kid is in kindergarten) and you live in new York city, where being skinny is a bloodsport, it becomes hard to believe that you will ever have sex again if you are not physically perfect.  I am not physically reefs t.
But I am here to tell you I have been to the mountaintop, TWICE and I am back to say--
It was great!

I had sex last night with a guy I met on a popular dating site.  It was our first date (feel free to judge but did you read my last post where I talked about how long it has been?).

We met after work for a cup of coffee and a fancy ice pop, and a long walk along the river.  He has kids and is pretty fresh out of his divorce as well- so he was pretty clear about not looking for something serious- I was thrilled.

We walked and talked, and as the sun set over the Hudson river he kissed me.  A few times. And I thought- great. That was nice- and another first I’ve gotten out of the way.  He is a good kisser.  He keeps his tongue in all the right places, tension in the lips and no saliva outside the mouth. It was really nice and so I thought great!  And then we went on the rest of our date.

I will condense two hours into 1 paragraph:
We went to a bar, flirted and played 2 terrible games of pool.  We had a glass of wine, and played the game where you walk by someone and unobtrusively but very noticeably touch them.  Then I needed pizza- so we did that.  And we rounded out this part of the evening by listening to a pretty gospel group sing.  And then, at 10PM (I am still a single mom, and I have a pretty early regular bedtime) I turned and said- in my best, sexy, divorcée voice...." Let's get out of here".
And we did.
We made out in what might have been the LONGEST CAB RIDE EVER to my apartment...and then, we had sex...twice, in lots of different shapes and places!  It was great.
In fact, we had sex, came into the living room, had a glass of water, chatted a bit and then HAD SEX AGAIN!

And after 5 orgasms- and a glass of water- He went home.  And I had a bowl of cereal and went to bed.  And now I am shouting from the rooftops- I HAD SEX-- and it was great-- TWICE!

I was sexy, I was confident, I was hot!  I know that- I know it in my heart, and I know it because he told, a few times.

It is so hard, when you are in a relationship that is not fulfilling you to get out of it.  It is always about the fear of what you don't know (maybe this really is the best you can do).  I don't know if I am ever going to see my date from last night again.  He sent me a cool text when he got home, and he seemed to have fun as well, but I can't control his agenda- he has his own shit going on.  Regardless, I am so glad that I fucked him last night- and he fucked me-- and all together! 

I have always thought of sex as a communion- at its highest level it is a sharing of yourself with another person in a really deep way.  But what I remembered last night is that sex is also a communion with yourself.  It allows you to share those parts of you that you forget about. 

Divorce is a crazy thing- it is like jumping off a cliff.  The fall is, at once exhilarating and petrifying and in alternating moments I am screaming for joy and pain....
But today I am just screaming, because I want to shout from the rooftops...

I HAD SEX! And I will have it again-- this is not the end of a journey- this is the beginning.

It has officially been 4 months since I have had sex.  My ex and I had some very hot ex sex between Thanksgiving and Christmas- he thought we were getting back together, I thought we were saying goodbye.  Before that it had been May.  I have not had sex with someone other than my husband since an ill-fated encounter with a drunk bartender in October 2002, and trust me that was nothing to write home about.

But I have been having dates with myself lately.  which I had all but given up during my marriage and I find are super fun and exciting- and a great way to de-stress.

I am an erotica type of girl- video porn does not do it for me, I like to read my porn- and I like it to have lots of different names for genitalia.  The more ways an author can discuss a penis and a vagina without actually using the words the hotter I get!

The past few weeks, as I have started dating, I haven't met anyone I wanted to jump into bed with- although I am ready!  So I have decided to get back in touch with myself, with my own body, with what I like and don't like--and let me tell you ladies, IT IS AWESOME!

Get yourself a good dildo- it is worth the $$.  But only use it half the time- because seriously, those things can be addictive and we don't want them to turn you off the real thing.  The other half the time use your own hands- remember what you like- enjoy yourself.

When I was younger I really liked sex, a lot.  When my husband and I were first together we had great sex.  Then I had an abortion, and wound up with a lot of baggage around the act- and although I still loved sex, there was always a fear, an embarrassment, a feeling of failure surrounding it.  Add to that the normal wear and tear of marital sex- and its been a tough few years.  But I am working to remake my relationship with my sex- and love it!  So I figure the first place to start is with myself..By myself...with some hot books. 

And let me tell you- it is a great way to spend an evening!

So Monday night I had 2 dates.

I have NEVER had 2 dates scheduled in a night.  I had a crazy day when I was 25 when I slept with one guy in the morning and a different guy that night, but that was unplanned and I knew both of them!

This was 2 dates, with 2 men I had never met, and I was sick.  Already a recipe for disaster.  But since pulling off the first date band aid on friday it felt doable.

Date #1- met him at a bar at 5PM at a bar uptown.  2 vodkas and a nice chat.  But I did have to get to my 7PM on 42nd street, so I had to leave for me "work thing".  Now I had told him about the "work thing" in advance.  But when it came time for me to leave- I could see he thought I was making it up.  Well, shit!  We didn't exactly have huge sparks flying or anything, but he was nice and possibly fuckable after a few dates and some vodka.  But I don't think he'll call... 

But it will all be worth it right, because I am heading out to Date #2, who I did not meet online, it is actually a set up through a friend.

Can I take a minute here to say that ALL my friends are either married or in a relationship, and NOBODY knows anyone single.  Apparently none of my friends know any single men between the ages of 28 and 50.  Except this one guy...Date #2.
But I digress

Date #2, was a bit weird from the outset.  He sent some really out there emails.  Not dirty or anything- - but he is a tech guy, so I think his social skills may be a bit lacking.  So he sent emails that I am pretty sure were designed to be funny, and they gave me hope.  He seemed funny and interesting.  We had a plan to meet at Bryant Park, a big park in midtown Manhattan that has two bars in it.  So after the first awkward moments of trying to find each other-- you know-- texting and looking to see who answers the text- I found him.  And have to say, was a little disappointed.  Don't you hate that feeling?  Witty email reparté and then in real life- you just know.  No sparks.
BUT I was already two vodkas to the wind, let us not forget that I had already had 1 date this evening where we reminisced about our youth doing blow at a club in NY that has since been shut down (I didn't say we were discussing Kafka--just that we had a nice talk.   Two vodkas down,which post kid is certainly enough to make me WAY tipsy-- (bad old days of blow in club bathrooms aside) I am sitting and talking to no sparks, sort of funny on email tech guy...and he's not funny in real life.  Sad.  But he buys me two more vodkas and we talk about life for another 2 hours.   He and I did not do blow together at the same club- it was a headier discussion about travel and foreign politics.  After that, we walk to a cart- I get a falafel (4 vodkas, 2 dates, no dinner) and head home. 

A successful evening of dating?

I have not heard from either man again--except for a strange email from Date #2 that I think was a cryptic way of seeing if I wanted to go out with him again-- I decided not to play into it.  but to me this was still an amazing night of dating.  here's why:

When I was with my husband I started to think I was incapable of having conversations with people that didn't revolve around preschool schedule pick ups and playdates and work.  Even our date nights had a "business" component.  That is how you make a life with someone, especially when there are children involved.  But for me,  I got lost in the details.  Somewhere between making dinner, and chore charts, and all the other minutiae of life, what made me, ME went away.  So those dates may not have been groundbreaking-- I don't expect to hear from either man again.  But I was ME- capital letter ME- with two different people, talking about different things.  And I felt interesting, and cool.  So they were a success- both of them.

But I have learned- that even though I only get 2 nights out a week- I can not double book dates!

Today I went out on my first date since June 2002, when I met my husband. I slept with someone else in October of 2002, but we were on a break, so it  didn't count. At least I am not counting that as a date.
I met my husband in June 2002 almost 10 years ago- and although he moved out may 31 2011, today was my first date with someone new.
It was a disaster. Definitely. I met him online. He's a mess. And a typical ”jersey boy”. I couldn't have been less interested from the minute I saw him. I even bought own coffee--I wouldn't want to lead him on.  We sat in the cafe at Barnes and noble and he talked about his relatively dysfunctional family, the women he lived with 3 years ago and how she took over his kitchen renovation, and never once asked me about me.

Things I have realized I don't want in a man:

1. Someone so interested in himself that he can't come up for air for one fucking minute to ask a question about me.
2. Someone with out of proportion features- weird hands especially, freak me out.
3. Someone who has funky breath.
4. Someone from New Jersey (I have had a lot of bad luck with this in my life!)

This guy hit all categories.

And I felt bad for him, right - because I just wanted to tell him why he was striking out with women, but part of his problem was that there was no talking to him, so...

But here is what was great about my date-- I WENT!  I just did it.  I was so nauseous on my way there.  I had met the guy online, exchanged a few emails, but that was it.  And now, here I was..about to meet him at Barnes and Noble, and physically nauseous.  But it was like ripping off a band-aid.  It had to be done, and it is best to not think about it and just rip it off quickly.

I had been so nervous about it being a "date" that I forgot that "dates" are not that hard.  Essentially its just making small talk for 1 hour with someone you should at least have 1 or 2 things in common with.  After that you can bug out, you have a thing or something...

So- I ripped off the band aid and it wasn't too bad.  It was a crappy date- but I thank him for being my first!