This is a real question.

Do you know what happens when men disappear? When their okcupid accounts go blank?

It has happened to me twice now, that a guy I've had decent banter with on okCupid has disappeared. All traces of his profile are gone. And all that's left is the message exchange, full of hope and my best one liners...

How does this happen?

I imagine dramatic circumstances- girlfriends coming home and finding their boyfriends bantering with me online- forcing the to shut down the account without so much as a goodbye...

My man meets the love of his life on the date before mine, and in a grand sweeping gesture closes his account...

He DIES. Suddenly.

In reality I know, his three months have run out- and the witty banter wasn't enough for him to pay $35 to extend the membership. I get it-- but sometimes it makes me feel better to think he died.

So, RIP NYC Writer Guy- you will be missed.

My marriage ended on Memorial Day weekend. It is, literally, a yearly memorial to my failure to make my marriage work.
My husband fell down drunk on the Saturday of memorial day weekend last year, 2011. I brought my daughter to my next door neighbor, brought him to the hospital, and called it quits.
And this weekend- when I wasn't trying to drown my sorrows in bad tv and errands, I asked myself- what is my memorial?
How will I memorialize my marriage? It is dead, much like the soldiers we take time to remember this weekend. It was, for a short time, something wonderful- and from it came a thing of pure beauty, my daughter. But she is not a memorial. She lives outside of our marriage, as a testament to what two people can do if they get real lucky.
New years eve I was home with my daughter. And after she went to bed I did an elaborate cleansing process in my house- which consisted of a giant smudge stick and a LOT of sage being set aflame. And over the past year I have taken down pictures, magnets, books, anything that belonged to my husband or that felt too much a part of our life together.
But I left one thing-and I have decided this will be my memorial.
My husband and I honeymooned in Greece. Like all self respecting tourists we climbed to the top of the Acropolis to check out the ruins. At the time we were both actors, so we spent a lot of time in the theater up there. Looking at it, sitting in it, listening to its ghosts. We took pictures of the statues that guard it's entrances and exits.
It is one of those pictures that I have kept as my memorial. It has a place of honor on my wall of photos. We shared a life, much of it was good, we deserve to memorialize that. To always be able to listen to those ghosts.
Happy Memorial Day.

This dating things is tough-- especially when you are not really doing it much.  So- if you have read the rest of this blog you know, I am new to dating post divorce- had some casual sex a few weeks ago and am looking to repeat the experience.  Because I like sex... But, I have a 5 year old and a 6 month old chihuahua that I am up all night potty training (don't ask).  So I am essentially the epitome of a single mom. 

How do other people do this?  I get two nights a week "out"- at least one of them I usually have a work thing.  The other night I'd occasionally like to do something with a friend.  And sometimes I just want to be home, alone, with a glass of wine and bad tv...  How do women do this?  I just found myself texting someone that I'd like to try to make a spontaneous random sex date for 2 weeks from now!!!  That was the next available time I had.  Do other people try to get a sitter after their kids go to bed?  Is that slutty?  Do I care? 

I want to spend all the time I can with my daughter-- I never thought I would miss her as much as I do on the two days a week she is with her dad.  BUT I also want to have an adult life.  That's the balance right?  That's what you miss as s single parent.  It's about putting someone to bed at night and then having no one else to talk to but a 6month old chihuahua.  And no one to kiss- or to ravage! 

So what do you do?  Have you figured out a way to balance?  let me know-
Thanks

So- today I did something I have never done before. I drunk texted for sex...  I used to booty call and tonight I booty texted. It was crazy.

I was drunk- I said hey do you want random sex- he said yes but not tonight. I said. You'll have to wait two weeks because I am busy...
We shall see if the sex happens.  It is strange to have the power to do that right away...

Be aware I am about to digress:
What would have happened to Sex and the City if blogging was a platform that was usable for authors while Candace Bushnell was writing.  All those times Carrie Bradshaw  types into her handy dandy Mac - she then had to print it and bring it to a publisher-now she would just tweet those first sentences--the easer lines they used to explain what the episode was going to be about.  And history is made.

By the way I hate waiting for the late nite B train in NYC. But I love the fact that I just wrote a blog post while I did that. I said right away that a lot of this was not going to be pretty-- well this is the not pretty part.

On a side note- I ran into someone I know on the subway on the way home. Anyone who says New York is not a small town has never lived here. I run into people I know constantly. It is weird.

So - I will let you know how the sex text goes- I have to say- it was a powerful thing to do.

So- I had the sex last weekend... And then I came down with the flu to end all flus! I spent four days in bed watching Big Love reruns. And now, despite all the work I did trying to avoid it, my daughter has caught the bug. And I start thinking- simple flu? Or karmic retribution?
It's amazing how my simple American puritanical guilt can get the best of me at any moment. Obviously I am pretty sure in my college educated, adult, rational brain that no one is smiting me for enjoying sex... But in my fever addled guilty brain It makes a lot of sense.
The flu has played on my guilt - my guilt that my marriage has ended, my guilt that I want to enjoy time without my daughter, my guilt that I want to remind myself of parts of who I was before I was a mom and a wife.

Guilt is a bitch... It's powerful and it can bring up so many horrible thoughts.

I haven't heard back from my date from the other night. And a few other things I had in the works have fizzled-- which adds to my feeling that the plague was ordained...

But then the Z-pack kicks in and reality comes back into play.
I have the flu, and because we share 800 square feet, so does my daughter. It is not a punishment- it is a virus and by its nature indiscriminate.

Here are the truths I know and will hold fast to:
I have every right to enjoy myself, and my life. My marriage failed, and it had nothing to do with me having sex with anyone else - I can do that. They have nothing to do with each other.

If I were still married,I would have nights out with friends- my husband would watch my daughter while I went to the gym,in effect I'd have WAY MORE time off than I do now. I love my daughter even though I like the nights she spends with her dad.

I liked who I was 10 years ago- I'd like to meet that girl and introduce her to the women I have become and see what they have to offer each other.

This dating thing will go forward- with highs and lows, dry spells and strings of sexual fury. And each moment will bring its own lesson- it is my job to examine, learn and try to enjoy the ride.

this is a totally true story.
So, it has been many moons since I've been in the dating world. When I dated my husband I had just gotten a cell phone, there was no such things texting and email was something you did at work. And the interwebs... Well it was a place to find porn and look up shit when you were too lazy to go to a book. Obviously things are different now- I have googled every man I have gone out with- just cause, why not... It's interesting. But the craziest thing happened yesterday.
I started this blog a few weeks ago, posted it yesterday and decided get a twitter account as well, you know- to get an audience (starting an anonymous blog is rough). So I tweeted and then twitter put In the little sidebar a few people I should look into following... And one of them was the GUY I SLEPT WITH THE NIGHT BEFORE!!! I swear this really happened!!!

Twitter knew who I slept with... How did twitter know? I got spooked- I put a lot of detail in there- what if twitter told him to follow me too- he will certainly know exactly who I am.

FUCK YOU TWITTER! How do you know- it's like Big Brother on crack. Especially since I couldn't help but read his twitter feed (I'm not a saint).
I may not have been expecting to get laid Friday night but apparently he was.

So I sat with that for a while. And I went though all the crazy stuff I'm supposed to feel- annoyed, easy, taken...
And then I thought - does it diminish my experience? Does it change the experience I had in any way to know that he was going to try to have sex with me? Nope- just makes me think that my online picture is pretty good.
Dating in this Internet age is tough. There are so many ways you can doubt yourself and have your experiences back stabbed by the demon in your head. So I say fuck you twitter! You may be able to figure out who I slept with - but you can't make me feel bad about it!

And if anyone can tell me how twitter knows this shit- please explain!! Thanks

It's not a legitimate fear- but I think a lot of people have it. I feared I would get divorced and never have sex again. My ex is a lovely guy- and he loved my body- and always made me feel really good about myself.  But after you have kids, and you're still working on the last 10 pounds of baby weight (even though your kid is in kindergarten) and you live in new York city, where being skinny is a bloodsport, it becomes hard to believe that you will ever have sex again if you are not physically perfect.  I am not physically reefs t.
But I am here to tell you I have been to the mountaintop, TWICE and I am back to say--
It was great!

I had sex last night with a guy I met on a popular dating site.  It was our first date (feel free to judge but did you read my last post where I talked about how long it has been?).

We met after work for a cup of coffee and a fancy ice pop, and a long walk along the river.  He has kids and is pretty fresh out of his divorce as well- so he was pretty clear about not looking for something serious- I was thrilled.

We walked and talked, and as the sun set over the Hudson river he kissed me.  A few times. And I thought- great. That was nice- and another first I’ve gotten out of the way.  He is a good kisser.  He keeps his tongue in all the right places, tension in the lips and no saliva outside the mouth. It was really nice and so I thought great!  And then we went on the rest of our date.

I will condense two hours into 1 paragraph:
We went to a bar, flirted and played 2 terrible games of pool.  We had a glass of wine, and played the game where you walk by someone and unobtrusively but very noticeably touch them.  Then I needed pizza- so we did that.  And we rounded out this part of the evening by listening to a pretty gospel group sing.  And then, at 10PM (I am still a single mom, and I have a pretty early regular bedtime) I turned and said- in my best, sexy, divorcée voice...." Let's get out of here".
And we did.
We made out in what might have been the LONGEST CAB RIDE EVER to my apartment...and then, we had sex...twice, in lots of different shapes and places!  It was great.
In fact, we had sex, came into the living room, had a glass of water, chatted a bit and then HAD SEX AGAIN!

And after 5 orgasms- and a glass of water- He went home.  And I had a bowl of cereal and went to bed.  And now I am shouting from the rooftops- I HAD SEX-- and it was great-- TWICE!

I was sexy, I was confident, I was hot!  I know that- I know it in my heart, and I know it because he told, a few times.

It is so hard, when you are in a relationship that is not fulfilling you to get out of it.  It is always about the fear of what you don't know (maybe this really is the best you can do).  I don't know if I am ever going to see my date from last night again.  He sent me a cool text when he got home, and he seemed to have fun as well, but I can't control his agenda- he has his own shit going on.  Regardless, I am so glad that I fucked him last night- and he fucked me-- and all together! 

I have always thought of sex as a communion- at its highest level it is a sharing of yourself with another person in a really deep way.  But what I remembered last night is that sex is also a communion with yourself.  It allows you to share those parts of you that you forget about. 

Divorce is a crazy thing- it is like jumping off a cliff.  The fall is, at once exhilarating and petrifying and in alternating moments I am screaming for joy and pain....
But today I am just screaming, because I want to shout from the rooftops...

I HAD SEX! And I will have it again-- this is not the end of a journey- this is the beginning.

It has officially been 4 months since I have had sex.  My ex and I had some very hot ex sex between Thanksgiving and Christmas- he thought we were getting back together, I thought we were saying goodbye.  Before that it had been May.  I have not had sex with someone other than my husband since an ill-fated encounter with a drunk bartender in October 2002, and trust me that was nothing to write home about.

But I have been having dates with myself lately.  which I had all but given up during my marriage and I find are super fun and exciting- and a great way to de-stress.

I am an erotica type of girl- video porn does not do it for me, I like to read my porn- and I like it to have lots of different names for genitalia.  The more ways an author can discuss a penis and a vagina without actually using the words the hotter I get!

The past few weeks, as I have started dating, I haven't met anyone I wanted to jump into bed with- although I am ready!  So I have decided to get back in touch with myself, with my own body, with what I like and don't like--and let me tell you ladies, IT IS AWESOME!

Get yourself a good dildo- it is worth the $$.  But only use it half the time- because seriously, those things can be addictive and we don't want them to turn you off the real thing.  The other half the time use your own hands- remember what you like- enjoy yourself.

When I was younger I really liked sex, a lot.  When my husband and I were first together we had great sex.  Then I had an abortion, and wound up with a lot of baggage around the act- and although I still loved sex, there was always a fear, an embarrassment, a feeling of failure surrounding it.  Add to that the normal wear and tear of marital sex- and its been a tough few years.  But I am working to remake my relationship with my sex- and love it!  So I figure the first place to start is with myself..By myself...with some hot books. 

And let me tell you- it is a great way to spend an evening!