So, I have been a bit remiss about posting lately. And I realize it is because there is a new baby in my life... The dog.
My daughter is turning 6 and has been begging for a dog since she could speak. So divorce guilt got the better of me- and we got a dog. Ostensibly for her birthday. The dog is hers-- BUT -- I feed her, walk her, bathe her and occasionally take her to work with me. But it's my daughter's dog. Obviously.
Anyhow- the dog has taken over a good portion of my life these days. Puppies need a lot of attention- in fact right now she is licking my face.
I would like to say that I am mad- having another thing to take care of... But it would be a lie. I love having something that wants to snuggle with me when I get home. Something that's there- even when my daughter isn't. Something that jumps around like a chicken without a head every time I get home.
Dating has not been as successful as I'd have liked. In fact- these days it is a bit of a bust. And I feel like the most stereotypical new York woman- walking around with my purse dog on a pink leash (that wa my daughters choice because it's her dog)- whining about how I'd like a man. But seriously- I'd like a man. One who knows that he won't be the center of my life right now. One who understands that I am powerful and interesting and focused and that makes me cooler- not something to be afraid of. And now, one who likes dogs. Because my dog you will meet- my kid is off limits - but her dog is always around.

Well, I finally manage to get laid - the second time. It was a booty call - yes apparently I've gone back in time and i'm 25 all over again. I didn't want to DATE the guy I had sex with last month (let's call him the Una-Dater) but I did want to have sex again! So I thought great- he will do- we did it once.
So I texted- and tried to make it casual "I'm out- its late- what r u up to?". But that didn't work- our schedules kind of sucked... So two weeks ago the Una-Dater and I made a casual sex date for tonight. Yes, it took two weeks. I'm busy!
This morning I got a visit from my "friend" - and yes, I am using that as a euphemism for period!! So I texted him to let him know- but we both decided we were still on. I should have known then- god was giving me an out, and I didn't take it. I put my needs above the cues I was being given. Obviously the Una-Dater was going to have sex with me regardless- I am pretty great in bed-- this I remember.
It was fine- although he had some trouble staying hard, which is something I haven't dealt with in a while. I know how to take care of myself- because I am 36 years old... But I like it to be easier for a man. And not to say he didn't try and didn't figure it out. But it was way more work than it needed to be for either of us. It was like whiskey dick- but I don't think he'd been drinking-- too bad.
Then we went for some nachos (I got my "friend" did you miss that part?). Then I came home.
And as I sit here, contemplating my life- and my impending sex date with the Una-Dater in July - I think, wow... What have I gotten myself into?
And how do women end up with the short end of the stick in this way. The Una-Dater is 34, has 3 kids and no money and is relatively attractive. He is certainly not the worlds greatest catch. But he is certainly dating- a lot. He is seeing a few women, and he is all over the interwebs-- if I had his online dating profile you couldn't pay men to contact me... But women do not care- divorced, kids, less than gorgeous? It's all ok. But for men (online anyway) if you ain't perfect what's the point. I am swearing off online dating(for now definitely). I'mjust not great on paper and it makes me feel bad about myself.

Or maybe my mood is shit because I got my "friend".

So tonight, I invited a few of the parents at my daughter's school over for drinks. It was impromptu, after the school fair. Beautiful night- drinks on the terrace, sounded like fun. And it really was.

It was only once they got there that I realized I am the only divorcee in the lot. Somehow the one out of two divorce rate has not hit my daughter's kindergarten class. And I am still the only single mom in the room.

And as I sit- drinking gin and tonics with a few couples that I am just getting to know, I think.... Is it too soon to ask them for men. One of these guys has a single friend. I am SURE OF IT!! And is it too soon to tell them to let their single friend know that I really only want sex and a good meal??

How do I merge these two worlds - the world of the mom and the world of the single woman? I am the only single mom I know. The single women I know don't have kids- their life is very different then mine. They don't find themselves making small talk at PTA meetings and school carnivals, only to have to explain that their EX (yes the caps are important- if you don't emphasize it they dont know) picked up the kid yesterday, and failed to mention it was t shirt day and all the kids had to have a black shirt, but you'll be right back with one. That you have to go home and walk the dog with the kid, because there is no one to watch anyone left over in the house. And that you want, so badly, to turn to someone at night, after your kid goes To bed and say yeah, I'm ready, fuck me... And get a knowing smile and a laugh. And then thrown down!

But instead you talk singledom with the single ladies, and nod and smile when they talk about not having a minute to themselves (FUCK) and then talk parenting to the moms at school and try not to feel the worst loneliness ever when they go home with others and you go home alone.

And the funny part is - I really don't mind be alone. I really don't.

It's the loneliness that gets to me- and I felt that way for a long time.

Yes, that's me-- In the witness protection picture.  Although- I promise I didn't crop the pic, that really was what was on my camera this morning. 
I went to a wedding yesterday.  My daughter was the flower girl (she took that picture), and my ex was a guest... And I was a bridesmaid.  And it was beautiful, but DAMN weddings are hard!

Things they don't tell you (but I guess I should've figured) about divorce #20:  Weddings are F&^KING HARD!
Seeing other people happy is lovely, especially people you love.  But they still SUCK!  And the harder you try to compensate for the fact that you are a little bitter about the whole wedding business... the more ridiculous you start to look.  The friends that got married yesterday are very close friends, both of them.  I have very special and important relationships with the bride and groom- so I love them both, and it really was  great to see them so happy.

But then there was the whole wedding nonsense.  The dresses, and dj's and matching duds that just seemed so over the top to me.  Like we are setting ourselves up, as a society, to have nowhere to go but down.  How can we possibly outdo our first day as man and wife?  One full day of excitement, love, fun, booze and all you can eat steak!  It doesn't get better-- seriously, IT DOESN'T.

Weddings are full of hope and love and joy.  And truly, I hope my friends are able to stay on the journey together, and enjoy each other, and stay happy.  But I have a hard time reconciling joy and hope with marriage these days.  And I know that's my journey, right? 

It was my daughter's first wedding, she was the flower girl, and as she was leaving with my ex she told the bride- "this is the best wedding ever, the best night of my life, I love weddings".  And I thought, that's how it starts, now she will go home and dream of a wedding, and a fairy dress, and chocolate cake.  Because a wedding is just a big party... but a marriage?

On a separate note- I THINK I got hit on by a 24 year old last night...  i am a bit out of practice with this stuff, but I THINK a drunk 24 year old was trying to get me to take him back to my house.  I am glad I wasn't drinking that much!